Van Ditthavong
It’s All About Bugs

Kutcher’s personal life also revolves around insects, pretty much 24/7. One imagines he rarely brings a first date to his home, which serves as a kinder, gentler Roach Motel. Let’s face it: Even a really nice bottle of wine, some patchouli-scented candles and a copy of The Notebook on a cocktail table can’t quite offset the 15 pet tarantulas, 200,000 dead flies stored in gallon jars (you never know when someone might need them for dirty-kitchen scenes, he says), three cages of cockroaches, five dead-insect collections and an insect zoo. That’s serious second-date buzzkill.

“My ex-wife married someone who’s interested in geology,” he wryly observes.

But as surely as insects have a thorax, bugs have paid the bills. And though he acknowledges that directors who prefer -computer-generated insects to the real thing have cut into his business, Kutcher believes that as long as bugs freak people out, he won’t want for work. In the meantime, he’s hedging his bets by creating bug art and a bug circus.

“Cockroaches and flies paid for my house,” he says, marveling at the ride on which bugs have taken him. “Who would’ve thunk it?”

Maybe it’s time to make a movie about Kutcher. Call it 50 Shades of Brown or Cockroaches: A Love Story, starring actor/comedian Chris Elliott, Kutcher’s virtual look-alike. Kutcher will bring the bugs — no casting couch required.