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Thank you for contacting the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) page for the Ultrathin Widescreen Wireless All-in-One Thingamabob 3000. The TGB 3000 includes a super-megapixel camera, laser printer capabilities, an MP3 player, e-mail, a web browser, TV and movie download and playback capabilities, a Bluetooth, a BlackBerry, a dishwasher, a lawn mower, a potato peeler, a hair dryer, and Stuff That Hasn’t Even Been Invented Yet (STHEBIY™), all in the super-stylish “just glance in its direction, and it reads your mind and dials” Point-and-Call cellular phone.

Our FAQs should answer most operating and troubleshooting queries. However, if you still have questions, search our Site Index for “More FAQs.” Still more questions? Search for “Even More FAQs.”

Thank you for purchasing the Thingamabob 3000.
How do I turn it on?
You can’t turn it on? As the saying goes, “Somewhere, a village is missing its idiot.”

The TGB 3000 is so technologically advanced, everything about it is incredibly simple. So let’s go through this, step by simple step. Ready? Here we go:

First, it is an engage button, not an on button. Okay?

Terminology is important if you are to understand advanced technology. We hope that terminology is not too big a word for you.

For your protection, the engage (on) button is located inside the phone. The button is easily accessible by unscrewing, in the correct order, A through D, the four itsy-bitsy little Torx screws in the right-hand corner on the upper side of the undercarriage (see illustration). If the TGB 3000 is stolen or lost, no one can use it, because no one owns a Torx screwdriver or even knows what a Torx screwdriver is. A Torx screwdriver is provided by the manufacturer. It came in the box. It was that thing about the length of a clipped average-adult-male thumbnail, and it was inside a whole gob of plastic. Hope you didn’t throw it out.

After you finish unscrew­ing the Torx screws, simply enter your code on the TGB 3000’s keypad, which is microscopically small for your convenience. Obtain your personal code by going to our website, clicking on Code, and entering your name, product serial number, your birthplace, elementary school, mother’s maiden name, her mother’s maiden name, the maiden name of your next-door neighbor’s mother, and a scanned fingerprint from the three of them.
A red pulsating light will come on. That’s the engage button. While simultaneously pressing down on the seven and pound keys, simply push in the engage button.
Simplicity itself.

Why are my pictures fuzzy?
The TGB 3000 takes sharp, vibrant, lifelike photos of your friends, family, and those crazy, fun pals (the ones whose pictures you secretly snap and then post on the Internet). It’s not our fault if your photographs are not clear.

But here are a couple of suggestions:
First, check to see if the camera’s lens is blocked by too many boxes or by other obstructions meant to hide the camera from a subject’s view. If obstruction isn’t the problem, try cleaning the lens with the TGB 3000 Special Ultraclean Stuff, available for only $36.95 per 12-sheet package. It looks a lot like regular old Kleenex, but it’s not. Really. Go buy the Stuff.

Why am I having trouble downloading music?
Have you considered that your taste in music stinks? The TGB 3000 comes equipped with a Taste Arbiter. If you try to download, say, the mid-1970s hair band Foreigner, the phone emits a laugh and then turns itself off. If you’ve tried several different bands and are still having trouble, it could be that you are suffering from MDS, or Music Dweeb Syndrome. Consult your doctor.

Why doesn’t the printer seem to work?
You’re joking, right? Did you really think there was a printer in the TGB 3000? The thing fits in the palm of your hand, for cryin’ out loud! Think about it. How is an eight-by-11-inch piece of paper going to come out of something smaller than an index card?
We say it has the capability for printing. We don’t say that it prints.

Why does the phone get such poor reception?
There are a few small kinks to work out. One of them is the way the TGB 3000’s incredibly advanced enhancements all sync with one another.

For the best-quality reception, uninstall everything except the phone feature. You’ll need the Torx screwdriver.

Why are my plates and glasses spotty?
Press the No Spot button, under the Dishwasher button. If that doesn’t work, try a different detergent.

How do I contact you?
Go to our website and click on Good Luck.