TIRED OF ALL THOSE JOKES ABOUT NOT BEING A KNIGHT? EVER WONDER WHY A BASS PLAYER IS A KNIGHT AND YOU’RE NOT?

WONDER NO MORE.

NOW, YOU CAN GET ONE OF THE MOST HONORED TITLES IN THE BRITISH EMPIRE! YES, YOU, MATE!

JUST TAKE A LOOK AT OUR SPECIALS. CRAZY NIGEL IS WHEELIN’ AND DEALIN’.

ASK FOR OUR NO-HASSLE KNIGHTHOOD DEAL. WE’RE PRACTICALLY GIVIN’ ’EM AWAY!!!

(Full-body armor and sword sold separately.)

Now, I don’t expect you’ll start marketing to the Colonies anytime soon, so I have a more immediate request. I’m hoping you might tell me how I might apply for knighthood. We don’t have a lot of titles over here. So I thought it would be nice if I might use one of yours.

I know I can’t use the title “Sir.” Under British knight law, only Englishmen get to call themselves that. So, Mr. Greenspan, for example, is still just plain Alan. Still, I think it’d be a hoot. If an economist can get one, and, for cryin’ out loud, a bass player, then why not a columnist?

On the other hand, I’ll understand if the Empire decides it must maintain some standards.

Either way, I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours in Commoneress,