Tired of hearing play-by-play updates about your college roommate’s sister’s three-legged marmot? So are we. As such, here’s a quick online-etiquette guide. Please pass it on.

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NIX THE CLOSE-UPS
Hey, we lived through the ’80s, too, which gives us the right to ask: Who dug up the Glamour Shots, dusted off their festering corpses and gave rampant narcissism the green light again? Based on the scantily clad poses of many of today’s webcam users, definitely not parents, HR reps or college recruiters.

MIND YOUR MANNERS
LMAO – RT @SCoTTy_Boi who knew u could appear less #intelligent @conversing in #online slang? Though it may seem cool to other techies to abandon the rules of grammar and punctuation, realize that to the rest of the English-speaking world, you just sound like a #nimrod.

FEAR COMMITMENT
Slathering virtual acquaintances’ profiles in hot-pink stickers or links to questionable content (e.g., chipmunks square dancing) may seem cute, but there’s nothing like scraping someone’s petulant post off your wall to make you wonder: “Who was that, and why didn’t I ignore their buddy request?”

THINK TWICE
Common sense remains sorely underrated. So, no matter how insightful or LOL-worthy your latest epiphany seems, resist the urge to post it immediately. Really: No one cares that, after going six days without bathing on your camping trip, you can knock passers-by out cold at 10 feet just by lifting an arm.