The two starting quarterbacks in the most recent Super Bowl both had beards.

We cheer them, but it’s not the same. When their helmets are on, you can’t even see their faces.

We can see yours, though, Johnny. Too clearly.

Where is the bush, the fuzz, the iconoclastic caveman shrubbery? Where have you gone, Johnny Damon? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

Woo woo woo.