"Oh yeah? Well, We, also the City, known hereinafter as the
District, will show you how much we don't like your deal by not
giving any money to Libraries. So there. You know What Else? We're
going to stop Breathing until you give us what we Want, which is,
like, we're not exactly sure, but Something, you can be assured of
that. Take it or Leave it."
MLB, which had formed a task force to deal with the issue of how it
could get people to use its acronym, issued a statement that
"Okay, so nobody follows the Sport anymore. That doesn't mean you
can tell Us that you won't build a Stadium at your expense for the
Rich Guys who will Own the Team. So we don't care what you Don't
Fund. If you want a Sport that has been found by the FDA to be an
effective Sleep Aid, you will give us what we want. Unnerstand?
Huh? Do ya?"
At the eleventh hour, everybody came to an agreement to the effect
that the only people to blame are each other, then each issued
press releases saying they brought baseball back to the District.
And that is the miracle of baseball's return to the nation's
But assuming Washington hasn't changed its mind again before you
read this, the real miracle will be if the team posts a winning
season. In a sport where haplessness is a kind of badge of honor -
Boston complained for decades that it never won the World Series;
Chicago Cubs fans cry that they may never again go to the World
Series - let history record that there is a new chump on the block:
the Washington Nationals.
The name stems from the team's original moniker back in the 1800s
when it was in the National League, thus adhering to a Washington
tradition of naming things literally. ("Hey, what should we call
that white house?" "How 'bout the White House?" "Brilliant.") In
1901, the franchise joined the newly formed American League and, in
a bold move, was named the Senators. Baseball left the District
after the 1971 season, moving to Arlington, Texas, and the Senators
became the Texas Rangers. In its 71-year history, the Senators won
exactly one World Series championship and last appeared in a Series