"Johnny," Mom will say to her eldest son, "I have been reading accounts of your having given your brother a swirly. I want you to send out a press release this instant, young man, and apologize."
And Johnny will comply. "Having heard admonishments from my mom, I deeply regret giving my fourth-grade brother, Dylan, a swirly. When we were fighting - which, by the way, he started - I meant only to give him a noogie. But he escaped. I grabbed him and tried to give him a wedgie. But he ran into the bathroom. One thing led to another, and next thing you know, I'm giving my younger brother a swirly. I am deeply sorry for any pain I caused my younger brother, and I am not snickering when I write these words. Honest."
For me, the future is now. I am climbing on this bandwagon before it ever leaves the station. And so, here and now, let me issue the following press release:
"Jim Shahin publicly apologizes to his wife, Jessica Shahin, expressing his 'sincere regret' that he left the refrigerator door open - again (!) - even though he wasn't actively looking for anything in the refrigerator. Instead, he was over by the sink, eating the sandwich he made, wondering if it would be improved by adding, say, jalapeños. Which is why he didn't close the door: He might want to get right back in there, but wouldn't want to be slowed down by having to open it all over again. But that is no excuse.
"Jim recognizes that his actions in the kitchen cause anguish to Jessica and, well, not to too many others. His mom, maybe, who tried for years to get him to 'SHUT THE DOOR WHEN YOU'RE DONE USING THE REFRIGERATOR!'
“So, to them, he apologizes with this prepared statement that he wrote himself and didn’t have his publicist write, because a) if his publicist had written it, it would be better, and b) he doesn’t have a publicist. Still, just because he couldn’t afford to pay somebody a lot of money to fix his problems and had to do it on the cheap doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel really bad about the suffering he has caused those close to him. He promises to never leave the refrigerator door open again and only hopes that Jessica will forgive him.”
I’ll let you know if I receive a press release from Jessica.