3. Good Sport. Who hasn't wanted to be Tiger Woods? Or Barry Bonds? Or Kurt Warner?

Now you can be.

Using the latest in digital, interactive technol-ogy, BIGOAF will make you into your favorite sports hero.

Not only will you hit the game-winning homer in the bottom of the ninth or hurl the long bomb that seals the victory with time running out, you will also learn the fine art of saying things to the press, such as, "We need to put points on the board," and, "If we can put ourselves in a position to win, we have a chance."

You'll also have your own personal agent to negotiate deals that equal the GNP of medium-size nations. Best of all, you will have a line of personalized merchandise to peddle - shoes, jerseys, and the like - and television commercials in which to peddle them.

For the sports jock in you, it's an adventure in fantasyland, a dream come true. No-trade clause optional.

4. Keep On Rockin'. Who doesn't want to be a rock star?
Unfortunately, most of us are too well adjusted. But BIGOAF gives you the chance to experience the pampered, indulged life of a rock god at its Middle-Aged Crazy Rock'n'Roll Camp.

Your heart will race with every thrilling minute as you learn the fine art of trashing hotel rooms, wearing leather and feathered boas, and negotiating contracts ("I said no brown M&Ms!"). You'll thrill to the endless arguments with your bandmates over creative direction. Is that power chord too grungy? Too punk? You decide. Should you be famous or scorn fame? Decisions, decisions. (Nobody said it was going to be easy being a rock god.)

On the last night of the camp, you'll mount the stage and, bathed in colored lights, shrouded in fog, and windblown by enormous stageside fans, blast out a concert for the ages!