After a few here, you'll love apple wine, so head to Apfelwein Solzer, a considerably quieter and less spacious apple winery that has occupied the same spot on Bergerstrasse for more than 125 years (the Solzer brand itself dates back to 1679). Traditional apple wine accompaniments - like Handkäse mit Musik, a curdled quark cheese doused with vinegar, onions, and caraway seeds - are served up here amid historic German bric-a-brac and antiquated photographs. Like Bamberg, the Bembels keep coming until you scream "Onkel!"
For a happy medium between large and touristy and small and historic, check out the one-woman apple wine show at Im Blauen Bock. Here, Brigitte Weida serves up ladle after ladle of her beloved poison from a giant Bembel front and center. Locals can get raucous a few apples in, but there are considerably fewer people than at Apfelwein Wagner, so if the Bembels start flying, you'll have more space to run. Weida scribbles your check on the back of a coaster when it's time to go.
Not that you need an excuse, but Frankfurters actually believe apple wine is good for you. It's said to ward off heart disease, cancer, and high cholesterol. That logic dictates that if you down enough of it, you can erase the ill effects of your cigarette habit, your years of broccoli neglect, and your impeccable taste for filet mignon. Of course, your liver will be shot, but you have to die of something, right?